ED2012 Columns ED2012 Comedy ED2012 Week1 Edition

Marek Larwood: Roll up, roll up, let’s save the planet

By Marek Larwood | Published on Wednesday 8 August 2012

Super yet typecast comedian, actor and one time We Are Klanger Marek Larwood explains how you can save the world, just by going to see his show. Yes, really.

All around the world hundreds and thousands of children are still without clean water, countless lives are being lost fighting oppressive political regimes, and all the while the world’s natural resources are dwindling at alarmingly rapid rates. With all this going on, you’d be right to ask yourself: “What can I do? How can I help? Surely we are all in this together?”

The most important thing you can do right now is to come and see my Edinburgh show. Yes, it is that simple. To the uneducated mind this may sound like a flippant remark, but those with more advanced thought processes will realise just how crucial this first step is in indirectly helping both these people and the planet.

“How?” you ask. “How is your Edinburgh show helping anything?”

“Listen!” I say. Loads of bad stuff is going on right this very second. It’s impossible to help all these people. Not even Superman can save everyone, he has to make split second decisions about which person to save and which person to let die, often purely based on hair colour. By worrying about bad stuff you are contributing to world stress. Stress leads to accidents. Animals are killed on roads in the accidents. Fewer animals means less food for everyone, people are forced to import food from third world countries, the people in the third world countries starve and then start fighting over sandwiches, this is how wars begin which creates more bad stuff. And that is just one of many examples I could give you.

By coming to see my Edinburgh show ‘Typecast’ at 6.20pm in the Pleasance Courtyard, you are helping to ignore bad stuff when it happens. Everyone knows by thinking about bad stuff you are just it making it more true, and thereby encouraging bad people to do more bad stuff. If you don’t give them any attention in the first place these types will soon lose interest and start doing good stuff instead. Remember when you were young and you played hide and seek? Did you ever think “no-one can see me if I close my eyes”? Well that was actually true, and it applies to this, if you close your eyes to it, less bad stuff will happen. Real Life Fact!

Some of you may now want to ask the question “Why not go and see other people’s Edinburgh shows to forget about bad stuff?”

I reply: “Because other people are dicks. I’ve been around on this earth for 36 years now, and if there is one thing I know for sure, it’s that other people are dicks. Especially people who want to put on a show to get the attention they were starved of as a child.” You ask “Surely that’s what you are doing?”

Me: “Listen mate, I’ve just spent most of this article explaining how my show is going to help other people. Do you think other comics are doing that? No!”

Have a read of their articles around you right now! They are all banging on about themselves and what their show is about. Do you really want to help these people? All you’ll be doing is creating massive egos. These are damaged people, with problems. I’ve spent long car journeys with some of them, and that is part of my life I will never get back. It would be a lot more humane if they were all put down.

At the end of the day it’s up to you what you choose to do with your time, I partly believe in free will and all that. But remember each day that you don’t buy a ticket for my show, you are wiping your arse on humanity.

Peace be with you.

Marek Larwood performed ‘Typecast’ at Pleasance Courtyard at Fringe 2012.